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The perils of trying to be the mom you didn't have.
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Often a little girl wants to do things "just like Mommy." Even as adults, we may long to share
with our children the best of what we learned from our own parents -- the holiday rituals, the standards, the discipline methods,
the family hobbies. But for those who have suffered early mother loss (through death or dysfunction), such longings can
bring us face to face with pain and exhaustion.
"I don't have a legacy I really want to pass on to my children," we may think. "I feel like I'm making it up as I go
along." Although her bestselling book Motherless Daughters focuses primarily on the journeys of women whose mothers
died young, many of Hope Edelman's observations are also helpful to women whose mothers were alive but absent as nurturers.
In both cases, the daughters have struggled to parent themselves. Sometimes the mother who has died -- or, in the case of
an abusive or neglectful mother, the one who never was -- becomes a kind of guiding ideal in the daughter's mind. Here's an
insightful passage on one of the ways this sort of idealization can trap us as we seek to parent our own children.
"When a daughter believes she was well mothered, she often tries to replicate specific parenting behaviors she remembers
from her past. This allows her to identify positively with her mother, as well as to relive and perpetuate happy moments of
her childhood. For many women, particularly those who've mourned their mothers, this approach can be both successful and fulfilling.
"Daughters who have idealized the lost mother, however, create a standard for parenting that is difficult, and occasionally
impossible, for them to achieve. When comparing themselves to the idealized Good Mother, these daughters often interpret their
own 'shortcomings' as evidence that they're Bad Mothers. But mothers are perfect only in our minds."
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Worn down, hemmed in, stressed out?
Longing for something more?
Call (914) 941-6478 or
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Last updated on
N.Y. Licensed Psychoanalyst
Certified, National Association for the Advancement of Psychoanalysis
Member, American Association of Pastoral Counselors
Individuals, Couples, Parent
coaching
Westchester County and New York City
914-941-6478
212-802-7333
Serving the online community as well as midtown Manhattan, 10016, 10022, 10017, Westchester Putnam Dutchess
and Fairfield counties, including Ossining Briarcliff Manor Croton-on-Hudson Yorktown Heights Sleepy Hollow Tarrytown Pleasantville
Pocantico Hills Chappaqua Millwood Mount Kisco Somers Katonah Mahopac Irvington Hastings-on-Hudson Yonkers and Valhalla.
Individual therapy, spiritual counseling, couples counseling, and parent coaching, as well as premarital
counseling and help with divorce, relationships and communication.
Copyright © 2005 Jean Fitzpatrick. All rights reserved.
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